Kaleidoscope [Dream]... Not about you it's about me letter

SOOOOO... This Miguel song I've been on since well.... I got the album drop boxed to me a few months ago. It came on my playlist today and inspired the title. everytime i hear it Im like mmmmm this song is tooooo sexy. Everyone has that one kaleidoscope dream guy or gal lol. I know I have ;) How do you guys like the rap genius break down jpg cool right.

Its not about you.. It's about me

As you guys know im still on my spiritual journey. i have had a few slip ups i will admit. I am not perfect . i have my flaws. I have been tested in the last few months and there is a point in your life you have to step back and wonder why certain things or situations tend to keep happening to Me. You go through the blame others phase ,then the well what did i do that couldve prevented this, and final the steps to make sure you dont cause this on yourself again phase . Well i have for years ,i realize ,never made it to the last step. I entertain alot of bullshit thrown at me. Either to not be seen as , as i tell 8s,"a punk" or i tend to think about others feelings and try to make sure that in certain situations I don't come out as provoking things. I hide or don't post things that make me laugh or smile bc I thought someone would take it wrong. But its not like me to not be open and filter things and i know it comes across as not sincere. Most people can smell / spot bs or consider it fake. As i can smell that with others. Call me the Sherlock Holmes of spotting facades ppl try to promote and create lolol. Ive never been the one to be boastful about love, lust, or like obsessively .(as you guys know I think any one who blatantly does that is trying to put on a show and cover flaws. Relationships should be private and low key. You should make it a privilege for anyone to hear or see anything about your love. Not a forced show or necessity ) so that wasn't a problem but i like smart ass quotes and jokes and i like to share them.

I was talking to my homie yesterday and just had to use his advice worry about myself who cares how others see it. i can private things, monitor /filter everything i say but at the end of the day I cant control people and how they perceive things or look at what I write ,post and say. Its not even on that "my life your entertainment" type ish. They will think I'm hiding something bc I private my page, they will assume I'm talking about them bc I post a smart ass quote, showing off or with someone bc I foursquare , they will assume I'm breaking truces bc i write about my life and ppl involved in it etc. its just reality you can only control how you handle situations. Filtering things was something i NEVER liked to do. Most ppl who dislike me can even read my whole blog and see I've talked about these things before them and will talk about them after them. Though i have filtered my blog in the last few months not to cause drama for myself and a friend but at the end of the day this is my blog. I started it out of heartbreak not giving AF about what, who and why ppl get offended.

Though i am not as reckless as i used to be in those days. I'm still confident person and never feel threaten by another person ...annoyed by them yes never threaten. I have been told by someone I care about and value their opinion recently, I give off an "intimidating "vibe. Like that "I'm a spartan and will get what I want" without even announcing it. Or like i know "i am in am a better choice or in a whole different category than other girls" but not in a coincided way more like in my presence. I would say that's a partial truth. I believe it is fair game in love, work, sports, etc. I know my skills and what I bring to the table in everything I do. Though I slip and vent my annoyance I don't worry everyday about others bc when you do insecurities can consume you. I want to be the best basically at everything I strive for and if someone(job or love) want what I have to offer you take it.. If you don't someone else will and I will still be at the same level of importance to me that I was before. Every one should feel that way. "stop worrying about the bitch before and/or the next bitch" mindframe. lol
I have realized that I've had one flaw... In my annoyance I still care about "the bitch before/ next bitch " feelings . It's like stepping on a bug on accident and worry about if it had a family ,where was it going , is the colony going to starve now. Its something that you couldn't prevent but you can't let that stop you from putting on those fendi heels and walking down the street still doing you. hehe . Basically I realized that I can still not hurt peoples feelings while being true to myself. How ? STOP WORRYING , and/or playing into it and ignore.

People will always dislike you, blame you for problems they have with you, mock you and try to spite you as long as you are breathing and prob even more after you stop lol . You cant stop it. Now I also realize that i am not holier than thou. I to will have those negative thoughts about others because i am not perfect. I also know that it is also caused By some underlining issue i have with myself or a situation i experienced. Yet when I realize it I work to fix it now instead of oh well that's me. Both situations you "hating" or them "hating" ...It's going happen and once you really accept that ,you will stop responding to it and creating it bc in the end it just showing your spiteful insecurities. Everytime i see an insecure comment about me and i show out by trying to address every thing everyone has to say especially without directly telling them i am just as insecure. 

I honestly have to say I know that this will be taken as a direct hit to about 3 people I know read my blog who don't care for me (the perks of having google analytics and site meter type codes embedded in your blog is you can see who visits and how frequently what they search for etc,) ;) but at the same time i said it before in my open letter. I have no beef and this is just something i realized i have been doing and honestly Im really just tired of being in a situation(battling with not expressing myself in fear of provoking or hurting someone) I  Know I am situational Bitch when tested so I do this because I know that when I think I'm staying low key and vanilla that I'm still under a distorted microscope and its taken completely wrong. one current situation only knew i am rooting for them to be friends with my friend again esp if they had strong feelings for my friend I even told that one that. I am just not into anyone being spiteful and angry towards anyone I care for. I don't have any ill will ...opinions yes (I think they handle shit wrong/indirect and use social media to expose to much ) but at the end of the day I told them that and wish them happiness spite them being spiteful towards me.

Anyways this got super long , but im going to address this last bit to them. shoutout those 3 ppl . B, A, and N don't take this as a spiteful response to anything you have said or done to me. You have made your goal to hit my weak spots at one time or the other a few months ago I'll admit that . Congrats if thats what you tried to do. I am also in no way innocent either(I have slipped too) but I understand now you gotta Do what you gotta do to get over me or situations you feel I caused for you. I also want to thank you because now and as its been for about a month now, I just really have been doing me. Happy with my family ,friends, fwb just cooling it and keeping it easy. I am not out to get you our make you jealous ,spur emotion or anger.  As cocky as this might sound but I kinda like my life and how it's playing out right now than to focus on ppl who want me to fail or feel pain. It takes a lot of energy to control feelings or emotions of two lives esp one that isn't yours. And to it air out and let all you know what it is.To One: I am probably going to remain friends with your friend/ex boo and Im happy and we vibe and I really want you two to do the same, To One: I don't like the person you are becoming but finally get and know you are happy and happy for you and To One: I didnt mean to hurt you .You all know which one each is directed to. And I feel sooooo much better not caring even now how you may perceive this. I do however, hope you receive this well with an open heart and no distortion bc I'm sure you have bonds to mend, ppl to get back and hearts to give to others than worry about what im doing and wearing. I seriously and sincerely wish you that and would say it to your face if I had the chance.
And the quote in the title "it's not about you it's about me" is something my cousin and I thought about while discussing one of my situations. Most times things aren't about you it's about the person voicing it" :) any who This post stems from my bday in Vegas. I loooooved this dress. I reconstructed it myself. We were at Tao and it was a cool night. My cousin that inspired the quote is in the black and white. Thanks for reading.
My cousin ,life line and best friend A.d and I
Close up
Vegas Nails by my manicurist Webhautejas
Dress- thrifted and reconstructed by me
Clutch- no name
Necklaces- topshop and gift

1 comment:

  1. U always look soooo fierce!!!!


Thank you so Much for Taking time to comment. I appreciate all thoughts you have . Thank you again -M

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